Silence is Not Always Golden, Though Ignorance May Be Bliss…

Had a disturbing dream last night.

My mom and sister were in town and I lived in this strange area that wasn’t a city or a town, but some houses and a huge amphitheater playhouse all located in the middle of nowhere. I was beside myself with anxiety and worry and walking around half naked when my sister stopped me and insisted I put some clothes on. She handed me a crocheted sweater that had her name embroidered on the homemade tag at the back of the neck. Then I was in a robe. My parents’ old friends whom I haven’t seen in at least 15 years were there as I walked into the playhouse.

I looked over and saw Double A sitting next to one of my dad’s old friends and I tried not to cry as I realized the reason I was so incredibly stressed and all out of sorts was because I was pregnant with his child. I walked over and opened my mouth to say something, but I found I couldn’t tell him because I was scared it would break us up. My mom’s friend walked up to me me and asked if I was alright and I tried to smile and tell her I was as I asked her to take me to the doctor’s. I bent down and gave Double A a kiss, having decided to keep the pregnancy a secret from him and to just have it terminated. That way, Double A wouldn’t have to know and we could just stay together and be happy.

Next thing I know I’m in an old white Dodge Ram and Double A is driving. There is tense silence between us and I almost tell him once more that I am pregnant with his child as I recognize he may want to keep it (which I don’t want to do and I fear I’ll build resentment up towards him for the burden if I let him talk me into it) or he may want me to get an abortion (which is what I want but I fear the weight of killing our child would cause a rift between us). So I remain silent as we bounce on down the road in the ‘80’s pickup truck in heavy silence.

Then the scene flashed to a doctor’s office, where I’m sitting in the waiting room with my decision bearing down on me with suffocating weight. I was fidgeting in my seat, wishing I had someone there to hold me, though I wasn’t crying or outwardly displaying my hysterics. I was called back and put in stirrups, a big sign on the wall in front of me clearly reading:
“Your options are:
Abortion - Manual Removal
Abortion PILL will make you bleed
You need to tell him!”

I finally start to cry as the doctor kneels down between my legs and I realized I was making a decision Double A and I should both be discussing, that in a way I was stealing from him what should have been his right to know and give input on. I pondered how ironic this was, since a lot of women get pregnant to keep guys and I was doing the exact opposite by secretly taking his choice away from him in order to hang on.

The dream jumped back to the playhouse and I approached where Double A was sitting. He looked over at me and smiled, not noticing anything was wrong as a pulling, retching feeling filled my gut at what I had just selfishly taken from him without his knowledge. I sat down next to him and he put his hand on my knee and I almost told him again, but realized he would be angry with me for not having told him about it in the first place. I was now stuck keeping this dirty little secret as I wondered if it was going to end up blowing us apart after all…

At this point Double A came into the bedroom and cuddled up to me, waking me up out of my miserable dream. It was so vivid, I had trouble coming out of it as I found myself feeling exposed and vulnerable, which made me a little grumpy, as I just wanted to snuggle up and feel safe and go back to sleep to have a better dream, though it was already 5 am and I knew I had to get up soon. Some mornings I loathe 5 am more than others…